I don’t think I’ve ever found a song that better describes how the quietly devastating lows of my disorder really hit me, how they drag me under with a singleminded purpose that washes away my fragile and intangible connection to everything around me.
This is what it’s like to slowly sink and drown and fight my way back to the surface only to realise I don’t even know where the hell I am anymore or where the people at my side have disappeared to, that even after I’ve come up gasping for air the displacement still has me tongue-tied and suffocating.
This is the way time fluctuates in strange and confusing skips and near misses.
This is how it feels to know that you’re there but I can’t remember how to reach for you now that I’ve opened my eyes again but I still can’t see you.
They say drowning is peaceful, that the moment when you open your mouth and let it all come rushing in is nothing but pure relief.
Maybe for the literal that’s true but it’s different when the water’s all in your head and you’re left to realise that all you are is alone in the dark wishing you could have been saved.