I don’t think I’ve ever found a song that better describes how the quietly devastating lows of my disorder really hit me, how they drag me under with a singleminded purpose that washes away my fragile and intangible connection to everything around me.
This is what it’s like to slowly sink and drown and fight my way back to the surface only to realise I don’t even know where the hell I am anymore or where the people at my side have disappeared to, that even after I’ve come up gasping for air the displacement still has me tongue-tied and suffocating.
This is the way time fluctuates in strange and confusing skips and near misses.
This is how it feels to know that you’re there but I can’t remember how to reach for you now that I’ve opened my eyes again but I still can’t see you.
They say drowning is peaceful, that the moment when you open your mouth and let it all come rushing in is nothing but pure relief.
Maybe for the literal that’s true but it’s different when the water’s all in your head and you’re left to realise that all you are is alone in the dark wishing you could have been saved.
Continue reading I Blinked & The World Was Gone
This is one of my all time favourite songs for when I relapse or I’m feeling vulnerable and crazy and overwhelmed and a little broken, which is sort of exactly where I am right now.
It’s been a weird few days for me (hence the lack of updates) and I’m not even entirely sure why I destabilised but I’m picking myself up again and this is one of the best soundtracks I’ve found to do so to.
This is Break Me Open by Anna Nalick.
I’m more than a little bit in love with Passenger. Not gonna lie, I’ve had them playing on repeat for longer than I’m willing to admit and I’m somehow still not sick of them. I think, of all of their frankly amazingly well written songs, this is the one that stands out as why.
To me, this is the anthem of almost-adulthood.
The verses make me smile and the chorus makes me ache and the melody stays in my head, reminding me that I identify. I think, to some extent or other, maybe we all identify. Maybe we all learned the hard way.
Continue reading Yeah the boat may sink but I’m not gonna rock it…
There’s something achy and amazing about his lyrics and his voice that just settles under my skin in the best and worst of ways. Like a comfortable itch I don’t really want to scratch for fear of chasing it away.
This is my current obsession. Playing on repeat to remind me I’m not alone in this metaphorical wasteland of wanting and war zones.
Continue reading I Keep Running Into Stranger’s That Say I Know You